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I Promise This Will Be Prettier
Insecurity and things I learned from it
Thursday. 4.18.13 5:48 am
Cross-posting this [LONG]:

I really need to write this for meee. It’s related to social anxiety. Thoughts are jumbled but this is important! :<

These are my notes on insecurity (chronic?)

-need an incentive to change how you think (my incentive: Sam. I want to be the most emotionally present and happy as I can be and not weigh Sam down with my statements of irrational thought to make him unhappy) In essence, I’m changing because of him but not for him. I want to build trust. People can have different incentives.

-identify triggers: being socially awkward (I thought about it and realized that I’m really not) it’s more about social rejection + fears associated with that

~Facebook and social media are huge triggers for me on days when I’m not feeling so hot (gonna use that as examples for general population)

~if it takes physical avoidance and self-isolation at times when you’re not able to socialize (ex. if you’re at home late at night and you start feeling insecure because people on Facebook seem to be living life more than you, STOP GOING ON FACEBOOK. Gain back that control and exit that shit)

-Insecurity has a lot to do with feeling powerless and having a sense of no/lost control. Anything that you can tangibly do to prove those feelings wrong can be helpful (ex: logging off Facebook) once you’ve identified a trigger/cause. Because once you’ve identified the cause, you can identify the effect (feeling insecure) and then reverse the relationship through action. Eliminate the cause and now you are left to deal with the insecure feelings. This also has to deal with me learning to be more assertive because I dealt with insecurity by being passive. So doing something rather than nothing can have wondrous, multiple effects.

- DELUSIONAL THINKING: Insecurity fills mind with irrational thoughts that you can actually believe to be true, which is incredibly detrimental. Once I believed that Sam didn’t love me anymore for a few minutes. It was if we had broken up, but we didn’t. I was so distraught but a small part of my brain knew I was being completely ridiculous but I didn’t have the mental fortitude to change the thought pattern. The reality was that he loved me, but I didn’t believe it. You can imagine how damaging that is not only for me, but for him too.

-so it can make simple things like accepting that Sam isn’t going to call me (irrational mind equates that with him not loving me) difficult to deal with.

THOUGHTS OF INSECURITY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR SELF-WORTH AS A HUMAN BEING. I THINK TO BE MORE SECURE, YOU HAVE TO SEPARATE THE TWO COMPLETELY. IT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT IS A PART OF YOUR IDENTITY. IT IS MORE LIKE A MENTAL DISEASE.


It makes you think things about yourself that can be hurtful to yourself. Every now and then it’s normal but if it hinders your daily functioning then something’s off (?) [need to expand on that] It feels like everything makes me insecure sometimes so I need to examine if that’s part of some larger mental problem or if there is really is such thing as “chronic insecurity.”

Insecurity is NOT:

-INDICATIVE OF WHO YOU REALLY ARE. JUST…NO. THAT’S INCREDIBLY INSULTING AND DEGRADING TO THINK THAT ABOUT PEOPLE WHO ARE INSECURE A LOT. IT’S A TEMPORARY THING THAT CAN BE DEALT WITH.


-result of a weak/undeveloped mind

-indicative of your self-worth like I mentioned because no matter what you are INHERENTLY WORTH IT as a human being with all your good, bad, and ugly parts and that’s just the truth. Take the humanistic approach :>

-without reason I think. Something has to make you feel insecure. There’s ALWAYS a cause, whether you know it or not. It’s hard for me because I grew to accept that I was naturally always going to be an insecure person. It’s kind of been my screen to filter the world through but I’m learning that it shouldn’t be.

-something that can go away on its own. It takes a lot of conscious effort to rewire how you think. I’m 22 and I’m only learning *now* how to deal with it in a constructive way.

-easy to deal with. It’s incredibly painful

-your fault. Insecurity is never your fault.

This is what I have so far, without outside medical research or anything like that. It also can go hand-in-hand with passivity.

Statements you can say to yourself that can help you ground yourself in reality when irrational thoughts start to appear:
-that you ARE in control

-that your irrational thoughts are IRRATIONAL THOUGHTS and nothing else. They are liars.

-you can also just start talking to yourself haha. That helps me!

-once you are aware of insecurity, the more likely you can nip its existence in the bud and move on with productivity
It’s going to be a long journey. In the end I think the one way to conquer fear is to just face it, so in the case of my social anxiety, I have to do what frightens me to no end sometimes and that’s being the one to initiate conversations with strangers.

-cut negative people out of your life. I noticed that I’m attracted to people who are insecure/have emotional problems themselves, and I can’t have that and neither should they.

Conclusion I guess:

-just do it. I already feel better writing this out :> If you can keep doing that, I think you (I? lol) will be stronger and braver like a lion. Perseverance is key.

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I've got tons of entertainment at my disposal actually
Saturday. 4.6.13 12:52 am
Oh man, today was the worst day for me to be hearing good news about other people's lives. Hyperbole but still. Anniversaries, good evaluations and raises, interviews going well, inspiration and getting work done... I just bitched inside my head the whole time while outwardly expressing congrats. Hahaha. I don't know, I'm usually happy for people in these kinds of situations and I am, but I was also kind of moody so it was overkill for me.

Last night I played Cards Against Humanity with randomjunk, her boyfriend, and a new friend named Jasper! Oh my god, I think it's hands down my favorite party game. It was so much fun :> So many laughs and good memories made.

My motherly instincts have been kicked into overdrive after I got a Tamagotchi App on my iPhone. I never had a Tamagotchi device as a child so it's been really fun caring for my pet alien monster. It can withstand sleeping with a couple poops on the screen without illness. But then it gets sick randomly so its immune system is quite unpredictable. :0



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Reminders
Saturday. 3.16.13 4:40 am
I can't be the only one who imagines what they'd say in hypothetical scenarios, right? Right? Okay.

So I'm planning on going to the Future Accountants of America club meeting next Thursday at my college, to mingle and see what I can learn about the major I chose to study over an Illustration major. There's probably going to be a huge turn-out, as the email I got from the club stated that they received over 80 signatures on their sign-up sheet and the fact that an all-encompassing accounting club didn't exist until now means it's been a long time coming.

I imagine I'll be asked sooner or later why I want to be an accountant and I'd say something like:

"I honestly just want to live in an cozy artsy-fartsy apartment with my boyfriend and own all kinds of books, art, music, films, video games, etc., and start a collection of obscure indie comics and Eye Witness books, and I also want to buy fashionable clothes and also have a cat, and we'll drink wine and cook bomb-ass food and make love every night and invite friends over for Andy Warhol-esque dinner parties with banter and clashing ideologies and expanding ideas and we won't be stinkin' rich but we'll be happy as fuck and no one will mess with our happiness and we'll both pursue our creative endeavors until we become skeletons - me comics and visual art and him video games with beautiful storytelling, and life will be grand and LIVED TO THE FULLEST..

... so doing accounting is doing something that doesn't make me miserable and I can earn a decent amount of money for the kind of lifestyle I want in the future."

I am one materialistic little doe.

---

Also, I accidentally recommended my own blog entry xD I was trying to see who recommended it, so I clicked on it. Hehehe silly me~

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HBO Girls! Flashing GIF warning
Monday. 3.11.13 9:11 pm
Recently my dad took it upon himself to sign our family up for an HBO subscription so that I could watch the show Girls, directed, written, and acted by the lovely Lena Dunham! (There's also Game of Thrones end of March :D) Thank you father~ I just finished the first season of Girls while in the library today, now on to the second! In the middle of midterms, of course~



source: http://imprint.printmag.com/typography/type-casting-the-deco-inspired-typography-of-lena-dunhams-girls/

So for those of you who haven't heard of Girls, it's a TV show centered around a group of friends in New York who are all suffering through post-collegiate limbo, as they struggle to find themselves and who they are with their careers, men, family, etc. One Youtube comment said it was about the "disillusionment of youth," which I thought was quite accurate. It's self-described by Lena Dunham as a younger, more relevant Sex and the City story but much more gritty and painfully realistic at times.

I know it's probably a year late but I thought back to the criticisms I heard of the show about the lack of variety of people of color the characters interact with. I think one reporter went so far as to say that the central characters don't interact with people of color at all , which is frankly just not true, they do interact with people of color. But maybe they meant more immediate supporting characters and not people in the background, if that makes sense.

I do think minority representation in the media is seriously lackluster and contributes to the stereotypes we have about different groups but I also feel like I can forgive Lena Dunham for just creating this show at all. She explained that she was sensitive to the issues once her viewers brought it up so she remedied the situation in season 2 by introducing more roles to people of color. Also, I'm biased because I love Dunham's work. I think I came across some extremely nasty comments about how much white privilege she has/how horrible she is/elitist white woman, go to hell!-type of comments but that's really not constructive at all, not to mention scary. I just feel like Dunham is trying to say a lot of things with this show already and it's more progressive and real than some of the shows you're likely to watch on TV anyway. There's no need to get racist and hateful about it.

--

It's really light outside for 6:30 pm.

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Pat Perry
Wednesday. 3.6.13 1:35 am


So I would like to present to you the coolest picture I've seen in awhile. I use Tumblr a lot for documenting cool artsy-fartsy pictures and photographs and this tops them for the most part. The artist is Pat Perry, his draftsmanship is "Legen-DAIRY!"

http://patperry.tumblr.com/

Oh shiet why didn't I think to google him

http://patperry.net/about/

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Deal with It.
Tuesday. 3.5.13 5:42 am
A lot has, shall we say, transgressed and then healed since my last entry about my significant other. It’s been a roller coaster ride and there’s a lot more understanding between us now than before I published the last entry. Things are good again! Extrapolation. I know I’m being vague on purpose.

I think a lot of what people have said to me and treated me in the past few days have really tested the strength of the relationship I have with myself. It makes you realize how alone you are but also what people want from you as well. And does it really matter what you want if it doesn't please everybody? Hmm. There's been talk of expectations and how I should lead my life in order to gain the most amount of approval from family, which will in turn minimize the most amount of gossip that inevitably happens because people don't have anything better to do or say. There's a kind of man that I should be dating in order to raise the perfect, most traditional family where harm can't reach. Criteria: "He has to have a Master's Degree." The most telling evidence of intelligence and financial stability, am I right?

Also, one of my coworkers at my job has turned into a complete control freak rage monster who chastises and yells at me for not doing things fast enough or for making mistakes. She told me once that I should always be checking on the ovens because she'll be too busy to catch me making mistakes.

>:(

I guess the message that I'm receiving from these interactions are a) what you're doing isn't good enough and b) what you want isn't as important as the things you're supposed to do if you'd just stayed with tradition.

Sometimes the status quo of something is how shitty it's always going to be. Someone told me that if you want to stay sane, you cannot care too much.

Two more years. Just two more years.

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A Quick One While He's Away
Saturday. 3.2.13 2:57 am
Hello NuTangers! I hope everyone is doing well.

My boyfriend Sam and I had a frank discussion about him having a comfort zone when it comes to talking about different topics with people. If specific subjects like martial arts, video games, anime, etc. come up, he says he can probably engage with you for hours and hours. If I wanted to talk about basically non-Sam-interests, he admitted that he'd have to force himself to talk about them because it's just more difficult for him. He'd frequently ask me what it was that I talk about with my close friends, in which I'd reply, "Uh...life" because I feel like it's important to be able to have an open discussion about anything, even if your knowledge is limited in a subject area. I'm not really sure what I'm trying to get at exactly; it does kind of bring up that idea of whether having common interests is really important I suppose. Personally, I think it helps but it's absolutely not necessary. To be vague, maybe for Sam, it's more specific. And for me, it's more general.

My thoughts are clearly not very organized on this one!


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Combination, Whole, and Hole
Thursday. 2.28.13 2:14 am
I'm reading this book called Diary by Chuck Palahniuk and there was this one diary entry chapter where the protagonist's then-boyfriend starts asking the protagonist questions as part of a psychoanalysis to determine aspects of your subconscious, as developed by Carl Jung. "Archetypes. The vast common subconscious of all humanity." I haven't heard of this test until today but apparently a quick online search for it says it's a common ice-breaker game? The questions are:

-Name a color, any color. Describe three adjectives about that color.
-Name an animal, any animal. Describe three adjectives about that animal.
-Name a body of water (ex: a lake, a pond, an ocean). Describe three adjectives about that body of water.
-Now imagine that you are in a room with white walls. It has no doors and no windows. In three words, describe how that room would make you feel if you were in it.

I think most of the fun comes from not knowing what the questions are supposed to represent. I've been getting pretty interesting answers from the three people I asked so far! Two of them being my parents. I had to omit the body of water question though because it'd be extremely awkward if they knew what the question represented.

---

Also, I had a dream this morning that I cheated on my boyfriend with another guy while studying abroad in Korea. Didn't feel guilty at all in the dream, but it bothered me in real life so I called him up and told him about it. Good thing he trusts me to never actually cheat but lately he's been craving pizza a lot so he basically retaliated by saying he's going to cheat on me with pizza. xD

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